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Submitted on
May 25, 2013
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A mix of conflicting emotions come over me whenever I think about my journey into the strange world of modeling.  On one hand, there's the adventure, the travel opportunities, the spectacular images, the admiration, the joy of success, and the chance to meet so many amazing artists...then there's the disappointments, the failures, the repetition, the detachment that sometimes occurs, the constant time away from home, the jerks/creeps, the sleep deprivation, the stress, and the nagging feelings of doubt always present in the back of my mind...the dark moments where I occasionally question my own sanity.

It gets harder and harder to top what I've already done, and to live up to my own expectations.  I tell myself I should be proud of what I've already accomplished, which is more than I could have ever hoped, especially considering my age and stats.  I *am* proud of how far I've come, but somehow it's never quite enough.  As long as I'm modeling, I can't help but try to surpass the work I've already done, and as it gets harder, the pressure seems suffocating at times.  I can't just enjoy it--I agonize over everything, I tear apart every image, I lie awake at night thinking of what I can do next, and I worry that I might be a disappointment to the next photographer I shoot with.  My life is completely unbalanced, and modeling has become an obsession....I really hate that I love it so much.

The truth is that I'm rather addicted to the adventure, and the uncertainty of it all--the emotional rollercoaster that is modeling.  The idea that I could end up climbing the staircase of an abandoned building, shivering in the freezing cold water of a beautiful lake, or dangling off the edge of a rocky cliff, and all for the sake of art.  The fact that I can be completely overwhelmed with happiness on one day, and then crying by myself in a hotel room far away from home on the next....I never know what the outcome of a shoot will be; but the unknown is what excites me, and causes me to simultaneously fear and crave the next experience.  

What if I've already peaked?  What if my best work is behind me?  How much longer can I possibly keep doing this? My modeling days are indeed numbered, and soon it may be time to return to a more normal life.....but not now....not quite yet.
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:iconkimjonet:
KimJonet Featured By Owner Dec 28, 2013
I completely agree.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts.  It's nice to know I'm not alone. :)
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:iconmelannc:
melannc Featured By Owner Dec 28, 2013  Professional Artist
You're most welcome, I'm glad other models can relate.
BTW, you're lovely!  Continued luck with your modeling!  :)
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:iconskarndebrax:
Skarndebrax Featured By Owner Aug 10, 2013
Ok, it's maybe strange, but, try to read (if you found the time ) this book -> The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom a Toltec Wisdom Book

It's a strange book, but after the first chapter, you can find, maybe, something for help you.
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:iconmelannc:
melannc Featured By Owner Aug 26, 2013  Professional Artist
Thanks for the tip, I'll check it out. :)
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:iconglady8er2:
Glady8er2 Featured By Owner Jul 24, 2013  Professional Photographer
I suspect that you take yourself much too seriously. You don't seem to smile much or laugh.  You seem to be about ready to cry. You do not have passion, just a series of nonhuman poses, one after another. Until you walk past yourself and get over yourself, your body of work will always look like a pretty zombie on a rock. You are such a Sad Sack with one foot in the grave. If you could magically switch places with  a department store mannequin, no one would notice the difference. Not to hurt your feelings...just to point out the truth.  I couldn't photograph a model so self absorbed and so miserable. Try laughter.  Try smiling.  Good luck.
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:iconmelannc:
melannc Featured By Owner Jul 25, 2013  Professional Artist
Errr, I'm about one of the goofiest people you'll ever meet.  Anyone that actually *knows* me will tell you that.  I have to work very hard at actually being serious.   I'm critical of myself, that doesn't mean I'm a serious person, or not fun to work with.  I have tons of fun on almost all my shoots, and many of the photographers I've worked with are now close friends.  Perhaps you shouldn't make assumptions about people you don't know? 

FYI- even the happiest people on earth have moments of sadness.  I thought everyone was aware of that fact, but I guess not.  
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:iconhushphoto:
hushphoto Featured By Owner Jul 17, 2013
as you feel about modeling is how I feel about photography... as I'm sure some others do...

My limitation is the environment I'm in in the sense that most around are simpleminded and conservative ...

Models & Photographers of our breed are a constant love & hate relationship to ourselves and those close to us... we expect so much and strive to do so much more at what ever expense necessary... Constantly justifying to oneself that it's a need that we strive to fulfill. 

From what I've seen of your posted images... you are way to hard on yourself... They are all amazing in many different contexts, from the focal points of you ...to the surroundings that you are in... All amazing ! For me I'm a sucker for eyes, and is usually the focal of my images, this you have surpassed ;)

Keep doing what you love .. be safe about it... have fun with it ;) For me, it's the stories/adventures behind the images that will forever be imprinted and are almost more valuable than the image itself... But having an awesome image to get compliments on and look back on to relive the memory is a pleasant bonus of what we do. Do it for you... and you shall keep producing amazing captures !!!
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:iconmelannc:
melannc Featured By Owner Aug 26, 2013  Professional Artist
Sorry for my late reply.  I read your response quite some time ago, and found it encouraging.  Thank you so much for taking the time, and continued luck with your photography.  :)
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:icontheextremepiercing:
theextremepiercing Featured By Owner Jul 17, 2013
Seriously, thanks for writing this. With the ubiquity of imagery on the site, it is sometimes possible to forget that the models are flesh and blood individuals with perspectives and agency and ambitions and etc etc.
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:iconmelannc:
melannc Featured By Owner Aug 26, 2013  Professional Artist
Forgive my late response.  Thank you so much for reading this, and taking the time to reply. :)
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